Skinny Jeans

I think Jay-Z summed it up best when he said, " I don't wear skinny jeans cause my knots don't fit." Double meaning, Knots = Nuts. I couldn't have said it better myself. I'm 29 (2 months from 30, yikes!). I'm not too young, not too old. Kind of right in the middle. So please don't mistake me for some old grouch who can't grow with the times or "trends" (wow, I fucking hate that word). I'm just me. And me? I just happen to really, really fucking hate, despise, skinny jeans. I get it though. How much did everyone hate the baggy jeans when I was growing up? Mostly parents. That was a trend too. And although I don't wear em' quite as baggy as I use to, you'll never catch me in a pair of those skinny, pathetic looking jeans. Why do I hate them so much? The answer is simple. Just look!!! I mean, seriously, look at them! My first question to frequent wearers of these jeans is, "How the fuck did you get those on?!?" It's like the old saying....those pants are so tight they probably had to be sling shot on! Let me clear something up first. It's not just dudes that piss me off wearing them, it's chicks too! I'm pretty much like any other guy. I like girls wearing "tight" jeans, not "skinny." Yes, there is a difference. What? Skinny jeans start wide at the top (waist) and just get skinnier all the way down, to the point the cuff is literally skin tight to the ankle. I have a real problem with any guy from my generation who puts these on. I can understand a high-schooler wearing them, because, basically, they don't get it yet. But a guy from my generation? WTF! How do you get the ol' Frank 'n' Beans in? And...and...what if you get a hard-on? What do you do then? In normal cases, in normal jeans, you could probably just sit it out (unless you get the dreaded call on from the teacher for a stand up answer). With the skinny jeans you can't sit or stand! Maybe you have to be impitant to wear them? Or tuck it? LOL! In any case boys and girls, you look like dipshits with them on. It looks like you took one pant leg, cut it in half and made two pant legs out of it. I want to cry every time I see a dude walk by wearing them. Literally. Not for him, but for his poor man parts, who don't understand why they have to be squished everyday just to follow a "trend." I know. This isn't the 90s anymore and it's not the 00s. Things change. But if this keeps going on, men will evolve. Smaller ( ), less sperm, less babies? Maybe that's why the high-schoolers like it so much? Probably not. Bottom line....it stupid. Guys...please...please stop wearing your little sisters pants.

No Thankyou.

Well, this one is easy isn't it? This is the person who never got a chance to learn manners. Wether it be from bad parenting, rap music or a fuck you attitude. I HATE the person who you wait 10 seconds for because you see them about to come in the door behind you and they don't say a simple fucking Thank You. I understand, pretty petty. I agree. Unfortunately I can't help how I feel. I just took time out of my day to hold a door for you and you just casually stroll through, not even a nod of approval? Bullshit!
The no-wave can go in this discussion too. Here's the situation. You come to a stop sign downtown at a four corner stop. You notice you were the second one to pull up to the stop sign. The first person goes. Now, it should be your turn. Instead, you decide to let another person go first (out of turn). He doesn't wave to you. No thanks? As he drives by (as you're still sitting at the stop sign), he doesn't even put a hand up or look your way and you notice he's just blabbing on his cell phone. Fuck You!!!! Again, pretty petty, I know. But that's why these are my Pet Peeves and not yours.
Moral of the blog? A simple thankyou can go a long way. If you never learned manners? Be a big boy or girl and read some books about it. Do the knowledge.

Mr.(or Mrs.) No Tip

Well, if you know me, you know I've had a "works for tips" job for 8 years now. Yes, yes, I know...8 years. Ridiculous? Agreed. Where does the time go? But I'm not here to argue where time goes or where it doesn't go. I'm here to talk about my Pet Peeves, or...ahum...things that piss me off to the extreme. What better way to start than with the No-Tip person(s). There are different kinds of jobs that include people who work for tips, examples, a Waitress, Taxi Driver, Shoufer, etc. My job? Oh....yeah, I'm a delivery driver. Not someone with a respectable job like a UPS or FedEx delivery guy, I'm a Pizza Delivery Guy. Yes, again, 8 years. Well, shit, the money's good (most of the time). When is the money not good you might ask? When you get people who don't tip. Let me tell you about them.

The order's $23.87, I drive through traffic, through obstacles, such as people crossing on green lights because they're on their cell phones, just to bring you your food you ordered. So as a customer, so far you've picked up the phone, dialed a number, ordered your food, hung up the phone and just sat to wait. Hard? Tired? Now the door bell rings. Ding-dong! Door opens. Here I am. Right on time I might add (as usual).

You say, "How much is it?" (Which I might add we've already told you on the phone)

I say, "$23.87."

You give me a ten dollar bill and a twenty.

You say, "Just give me 6 dollars back."

Ok...let's do the math fuckhead. Six dollars was all of the change cause I'm sure as hell not carrying a dime and three pennies for you. And if I did have it...you're not getting it. So...no tip. There we go.

Let's think of some reasons you don't tip. Maybe you don't have enough money? For fuck's sake! You just ordered $30 worth of food. You can get a pretty fair amount of groceries for 30 bucks! Do it next time!

Maybe you're a college student? I'm suppose to assume you don't tip because you go to college?!? Lame. Lame. Lame. That's like saying I don't work because I have too much rent and bills to pay. Make sense? Exactly. Being in college doesn't necessarily mean you don't have money. Atleast 80% of you have Mom and Dad's credit card (along with a 2011 Range Rover). As for the other 20% you might ask? Find a way. Dig some fucking change out of your couch cushions! Check the soda machines for loose change! Steal some from your roomy's wallet after you hypnotize him! I. Don't. Fucking. Care. Find it! Look at it this way: In 5 years you'll probably be working a job (you don't really deserve), making 10 times what I do. If feeling sorry for me helps you tip, I'll take it. I'm not that desperate, just really want to hurt you for not tipping. Don't make we wanna hurt you. Ha.

Maybe you just think delivery drivers don't deserve tips? I can assure you, we do. I mean, I did drive here in my own car, which I make a monthy payment on, on my own gas, walk around the back of your house and travel up two flights of stairs, covered with 2 feet of snow because your fatass was too lazy to get out and shovel. Shit...what do I gotta do to deserve this tip? Maybe if I showed up juggling machetes, spinning spiked plates from nose, all while carrying your order would help? Maybe? Or maybe I could shovel your stairs for you, clean your car off with my bare hands? For 2 dollars. It's not like you had to do anything but push pause on your DVR, walk to the door and open it. Maybe you're upset because I interupted an episode of Guiding Light? I apologize. I do deserve to be tipped. I don't make $50 an hour. I'm not a Doctor. I'm just trying to get by like the rest of the world.

Moral of the blog? Don't be the guy or gal that doesn't tip. I will hate you. I will wish nothing but your departure for the firiest depths of hell's hell's basement. Too much? Probably. Still true though. Bottom line: There's no reason to "not tip." Like a classic line from every Adam Sandler movie you've ever seen, "You can do it!!!"